(his 13th birthday!)
Time’s been doing what it does best and amidst all the rest of what life’s brought us, Liam is on the cusp of his teenage years. This feels like a big deal to me – completing the first year of his second 12 year cycle, the end of childhood and the slow progression to adulthood, the turning back into another round of development. I find myself remembering the bygone days of his early years and processing my regrets. I mustn’t dwell there because parenthood is by nature a generative occupation; and as much as he’s eager to be done with us meddlesome parents who yap entirely too much, Liam still needs our support and encouragement.
I had big plans for Liam’s 13th year that were eclipsed by our big move. That monumental shift will effectively serve as a marker of Liam’s transition from childhood to adolescence. It’s been quite a big change for all of us and Liam has navigated it all incredibly well. In addition, much of what Liam’s doing in school and scouts is serving to prepare him for being a full citizen of humanity so I don’t have to worry much about that set of initiations not happening under my direction.
How do I think of Liam these days seems like a fitting topic for reflection.
Is he still happy and determined? Definitely determined. Mostly happy, though he’s gone through a tempering that we would do well to address before too long. It could be said his happiness and determination have deepened into perseverance that became evident as his time at Park Day School came to a close. Now very much a Roeper kid, Liam knows where he wants to go and he intends to put forth the necessary effort to get there. Good on him.
He remains a social person who places a high value on his friends – the beloved Californios and the newer Michiganders, alike. We just had a super fun 13th birthday gathering with the Roeper friends who would be up for an afternoon of learning to play a collectable game they’d never heard of. It was heartwarming to hear them interacting, to witness their kindness and working through the learning process together.
Liam does enjoy a good laugh and as he’s getting older he appreciates my humor which is a welcome comfort after all the years when David came up with all sorts of fun that far surpassed my creative capacity (and led to a few accidents, let the record show). He’s not been much for exploring his dramatic side, which I feel is a loss because he certainly has the volume and a remarkable ability to remember lines, lyrics, and choreography. Luckily, and thanks to our wonderful directors and the Revels community, we both had a lot of fun being part of CA Revels in 2022 and it insulated the two of us from a very hard time as David was navigating the ever-changing difficulties of supporting Dean through multiple health challenges. I wanted so much for Liam to have a strong musical foundation because I know what joy music brings throughout life. I hope that enough seeds have been sown at school and with our EBCMP and Revels friends. Thanks to another great teacher, he’s off to a solid start with guitar, especially now that he has an amplifier (sorry Siegfried).
He loves games so he and David kicked off this summer with the Shadowfist gathering I mentioned above which may turn into forming a club at school. Weekly Dungeons and Dragons sessions with CA friends keeps them in touch which is wonderful. School is full of fun with lots of new maker skills development and he prefers to be there from 8-5 every school day. It’s the amazing teachers that make school so extraordinary – Patrick for english and advisory, Wendy for robotics and maker space, and Dan for anything he offers (debate and forensics on the horizon), to highlight the ones he completely adores. I don’t have in-school pics for obvious reasons so ironically, most of the photos below are of activities that Liam liked the least – athletics. I’m proud of him for completing the soccer, basketball, and track seasons even though he didn’t want to. He’s a bit stronger of mind and body for the effort.
Liam’s orienting to the world of scouts which is a great way to carry his love of adventure forward.
Despite a strong start to converting fellow coneists in the fall, numbers are dwindling so there’s room for new lore in his life.
Liam remains full of ideas and initiative and it’s great that he has so many peers to explore and envision with. Before we knew that finding a new school was imperative and schools like Roeper even existed, we were exploring options for middle school just to gain the experience of looking at possibilities. I talked to him about what it would be like to attend a school where high motivation and high aptitude were the norms. While he didn’t want to leave his dear friends, he agreed that getting to spend every school day amongst engaged learners who were fast on the uptake and shared his varied interests was probably the most compelling reason to do so. As everything turned out the way it did, Roeper was far and away the best option for him and it’s a comfort to know that he’s landed in a enriching and supportive school environment.
Our home remains a work in progress, but we made sure it felt snug and cozy in time for Christmas 2023. Liam appreciates a comfy home and enjoys entertaining. He’s getting a bit more in the swing of regular chores, but still has some room to grow on that. David has been away a lot this winter and spring – preparing his father’s property for sale took far longer than he originally anticipated due to a collapsed roof and considerable water damage in the ADU that he didn’t notice right away. It’s a great comfort to us all to return to our nighttime reading ritual. Through all our challenges, we’ve had this daily together time that we each appreciate and value in our own way. Liam was so excited to go to the Royal Oak library for the first time and open up his own account. The library was a big part of our routine back in Oakland and I came to appreciate so many things about libraries as a parent. I’m so grateful that Liam has the same enthusiasm for the library as it’s truly one of the best places in US society.
Liam has been fast-paced from the beginning – born at 38 weeks in a 3.5 hour labor, he took a solid rest on his first day out of the womb and after that he was ready for action. I remember Patti marveling at his speed as an infant. That and the ensuing years of pursuit are why being slightly frantic and flushed became my new normal. When Liam didn’t want to be somewhere, he bolted. This was especially nerve wracking in public parks. I’ve only now gotten a wee bit calmer about this tendency of his. David recently shared his memory of the first time Liam took us for a walk in our neighborhood right when he started walking. It was us parents who put an end to the walk, Liam seemed as if he could have walked for hours. Nowadays he’s still fast – at talking and moving. I’m not even willing to consider the ramifications of this with respect to driving. I’ve told Liam countless times that there will be a set of pre-learning-to-drive requirements which include a capacity for tolerating s-l-o-w-n-e-s-s.
Liam is also an initiative taker. I’ve come to appreciate Liam’s willingness to share his tech and mechanical knowledge because he’s gotten us out of some bothersome pickles with his initiative taking (in these moments it’s been lucky that I’ve gotten slightly better at practicing my patience and didn’t interrupt him). I have a permanent mental replay of my fast-paced initiative taker of a son – his little shoulders are up near his cute little ears as he intently rushes to finish up some task he started that we are now imploring him to stop with great urgency. This is probably where a current dream of his came into initial formation. While I’m pretty sure the likes of Mark Rober and other popular you-tubers have something to do with his plans of having a huge workshop to build elaborate creations; the fact that it’s going to be in Canada far away from my prying eyes and exclamations of “you did what?!”, can most likely be traced back to early-life shenanigans in Oakland, CA.
I remember when we presumed Liam’s gender based on his body at birth. David was pretty happy because he had big plans of which legos were a key part. Liam took up that love easily along with David’s aptitude for games. There are plenty of things they love to do together which is great for them. Most recently, they’ve put hours and hours into building several Shadowfist decks so that more friends can play with them and they have a broader variety of decks to play when it’s just the two of them. It’s a blessing that they can talk science, minecraft, and tech amongst themselves because I can’t muster up anything to say on any of those topics.
Liam is often driven by his desire to be helpful. It’s a good activity for a shy person in a crowd – lending a hand tends to narrow the scope of relating to a more comfortable range. It’s also satisfying to be of service. He’s come by this attribute naturally and it’s sometimes gotten him into deep waters when there are social entanglements with peers that really require the support of adults to sort out. I give Liam credit for his instinct to grapple with difficulties that many would simply avoid. While one does tend to get messy in murky waters, it’s necessary and important work. And hard things take practice. We are currently building capacity for talking through things as a family. We’ve had family circles and all agreed that’s a good format for talking about highly charged topics. These days our family walks are providing good time for talking things over and helping each other gain insights.
One quality of Liam’s that I do want to spend a little more time acknowledging is his ability to persevere. At home, things have been hard for us in many ways. Catching our stride has felt like a constant struggle. Partly because of our family stresses, and also because it wasn’t the best fit, school wasn’t particularly fun for Liam even though it meant time with peers. We all made the best of it, and there are plenty of things about Liam’s school experience that have been great. We all had good lessons in weighing various factors, making informed choices, and living through hard situations that had no resolution. Liam has shown that he has grit and that the determination he was born with remains firmly in place. It was a real joy to witness his affections for his schoolmates as he said goodbye – even with all the things they went through together. Sticking through six years at a school where we had many persistent challenges wasn’t pleasant but it gave him the opportunity to experience the ups and downs of relationships. One person in particular was consistently at odds with Liam for years. Now counted as a friend, he was a guest at Liam’s last birthday in Oakland. That particular social developmental experience is something that I don’t think he would have had if we had moved schools earlier. The easiest way I can portray perseverance with our photo collection is with pandemic pics. My goodness, that was a hard hard time. It’s good to remind myself that we made it through. The gift of finally looking through hundreds of photos is remembering all the fun times that we had with friends during that time. There were a few friendships that took wing thanks to how our lives changed and we are so grateful for those in particular – with neighbors, especially Ayumi and Jackson, and with Colin and his family. Had it not been for the pandemic, I wouldn’t have taken such bold steps in my musical learning that included learning ukulele with Ryk, guitar with Arwen, Jorge, and Allegra plus my Orff training. All that plus more has brought so much more music into our lives.
Perhaps the biggest element of our lives during our last few years in California was The Jobsite. How ironic that we have so few pictures of the place that shaped our daily rhythms for nearly 4 years. David was working hard and not documenting as he was going. It started as one idea for our family home, morphed into others multiple times with the constant changes forced by the global pandemic and it concluded as an epic flip that took way to long to close due to the painfully prolonged loan assumption process. The conclusion to our relationship to that little property that served as a crucible for so many of our hopes, and holds so much of David’s sweat equity was bittersweet. We are all sad we’ll never get to enjoy his work first hand. Liam helped out a fair amount at the jobsite – along with various odd jobs, he worked on floor demo, stair building, gardening, and kitchen cabinet assembly.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the things that make us not like the others. It’s largely my dedication to the healthy way – when it comes to body and society – that lands us with the other weirdos (I love them so) most of the time. It’s a hard path to walk, but I’m too far gone to even entertain conformity. For better or worse, Liam’s along for the ride. (Will he eventually go the way of Alex Keaton in retaliation? Heaven help me, I hope not!). I know that it’s a particular kind of drag to be constantly reminded about your uneven posture and your head alignment while engrossed in your ipad, to be called to do odd neuro-based exercises, attend to your fascia and your lymph, drink a variety of healing concoctions, and to wear embarrassing pinhole glasses. And then there’s the constant talk about social justice and the unparalleled power of music. All in all, Liam bears it well and I’m grateful that he’s healthy and happy in spite of coming from a long line of health nuts.
The past year has been so full, saying goodbye to our life in CA, all the dreams and plans, some fulfilled and others as of yet unrealized. I deliberately took my time packing (how else could I do such a big thing?) so that I could reflect. I did my best to say all the important goodbyes and mark the important memories from the past 12 years but perhaps more will surface as we hear from loved ones responding to this post. It’s been such a comfort to be witnessed and I am resolved to carry that experience forward.
As we said goodbye to Liam’s school community a year ago, Liam shared a first day of kindergarten memory with me that gave me a window into his view of things that I’d like to remember. His preschool was play-based so there were always lots of stations set up for exploration and kids could move all around at will. At recess he was feeling shy and he caught a glimpse of building blocks inside his classroom. He figured that would be a good thing to do and be a little more tranquil than the large play yard. When he came in though the teachers told him that he had to stay outside for recess. New school, new routines. It wasn’t easy or comfortable, but he found his way and we did too.
When he started anew at Roeper, Liam took to it like a fish to water. He came out from orientation with his first friend. Before I could even grasp the complicated 6 day schedule laid out in the neat (and sadly never used) homework planner, he had memorized his schedule for each day. Many days he preferred to ride silently to school so that he could map out his day over the 3-story floor plan. It’s a good envisioning exercise, now that I reflect for a moment. Liam has declared his love for his school frequently over the past year and he volunteers anecdotes about his days and what he’s learning – a good indication that his words ring true. We are so grateful.
I know that we live in a world where high performance exists in a culture of perfectionism. Given that I myself am a recovering perfectionist, I feel compelled to share more than just the pretty pictures and celebratory words as a general rule. To share just the socially valued product is to leave out the most of things and it can do damage because it leads us to create an inaccurate story of our lives. When we inevitably land in the mess of day to day living, we will probably feel bad in some way because what we are living doesn’t match the ideal. This could sum up what I’ve learned in the past 13 years of parenting pretty well and it’s most likely that becoming a mom cured me of perfectionism in the first place. I’m integrating all that and the other hard lessons of parenthood these days and in doing so restoring some of the optimism that too many years of hardships nearly made me forget.
David and I had enjoyed dressing up for Halloween and getting a bit theatrical before we were parents and I was super excited for Liam to have a super baby suit to match my Finder Faye costume. Sadly, the poor dear wanted no part of it once it was made. Yes, we forced him into the suit (one of our earliest parenting regrets). We let him go barefoot after we squeezed him into it, made a quick round over to the avenue and back again, took a bunch of photos, and liberated him as swiftly as possible. This turned out to be the beginning of the end of Halloween. Liam’s not much for candy and he never could wrap his head around the Halloween custom of trick or treating. We tried once with David thinking perhaps he’d score some free candy. Liam came away with a few pieces of candy as he patently refused to take any more. He’s also not much into costumes. Halloween was always such a festive time at his school that we’ve managed to pull together costumes for Liam over the years with the thinking that he’d regret not participating if he showed up in regular clothes. This is part of why we don’t have 12 years of costumes in pictures, though I suspect that perhaps one or two were lost as well. David became the parent who would miraculously pull together last minute costumes because without Liam’s enthusiasm my creative juices dried right up. This past year, Liam was pretty excited to dress up as Obi Wan Kenobi. Unfortunately his nifty custom-made light saber wasn’t allowed at school (weapon) and broke anyway. David was in California for the first snow which fell on Halloween, and since we were so new here and Liam doesn’t give a hoot about trick or treating, we had no place to go anyway. We watched Murder on the Orient Express instead.
Digging in the dirt / sand – will it ever get old? Probably not.
Yuletide is a favorite time of year for us. It’s a time when David honors his mom Joy because she was a great lover of christmas. Accordingly, Liam loves all the elements of our christmas traditions and while we’ve had to make various compromises for many years, this past year here in Michigan with both Joy and Dean in memory only, was a comfort to us all.
Liam’s been asking to live where it snows for years. My response was always, you can go to college where it snows. And now look at us. Or should I say them? (I did my utmost to stay inside this winter and I forfeited my claim to being the family member to follow when it comes to the weather. And thanks Alexa for clarifying that complaints about the weather is a socially acceptable coping mechanism.)
Now that we are in the eastern time zone, so many destinations are more accessible and we have hopes of finally getting Liam out of the US with visits to the UK, Paris, Ghana, and Norway. For starters though, we made it to Miami and that was fun, especially because we got to visit some dear friends. Getting to go back to our CA home for the pure pleasure of it is probably the best vacation we could ask for at this point.
We are grateful for our friends and family who support us in various forms and we are glad that we’ve managed to stay in touch to varying degrees. I’m looking forward to us all visiting our California home this summer, it will be a real treat to enjoy all our favorite things and people without any of the former pressures. We are hoping to mark Liam’s birthday progressive style over the course of the summer because it feels like such a big deal and there wasn’t a way for us to bring everyone together in one place.
There are two particular car seat moments stored in my memory that have no photograph. When he was a preschooler, I was feeling annoyed about something that Liam had done and I was letting him know about my frustration in an inappropriate way. Liam was upset by my upset and he said that I was being mean and when I countered him, he cried in frustration, “we have a difference of opinion.” I did come to understand his perspective with more reflection. I’m glad that he’s retained his capacity to stand up for himself. The other car seat moment happened on repeat when Liam started to take fossil fueled naps. I had a regular route that I’d take us on and we got into a routine of driving for several minutes before I’d turn around and say plainly, “go to sleep”. He would immediately turn his head, close his eyes, and doze off. Sometimes a little help is needed to realize something basic like, I’m tired, hungry, thirsty, or all of the above.
Tight spots and silly shenanigans. I don’t get to witness those in real time much anymore though I have it on good authority that Liam’s teachers and schoolmates know Liam’s goofy side all too well. And I may or may not occasionally wipe smoothie off his face to this day.
How could we resist? There was a time when David was an active member of the IKEA parents club while I was working Saturday mornings. It probably has as many members as the garbage collector fan club. I appreciate all the insights into the mundane that parenthood has given me. It’s not an easy path, but it sure is rewarding.
Circumstances have formed us into a tight trio. I’d always wanted Liam to have a sibling but that didn’t come to pass. Liam loves our extended family members and while we have been on our own a lot, we have always had caring support, if mostly from a distance. Sadly, my photos don’t do a good job of portraying that as the majority of what I have is Liam-centered. There were many moments over the years when Irma would say, “do you have a photo of that? You’ll want to remember.” She was right about many things and that was one of them.
Liam’s been a pretty lucky guy over all and that all started with his birthday – just one day off from a perfect halfway point till next christmas. For me, christmas and birthdays became a marker of how we were doing in supporting his happiness. With the passing of each, I’d run a little evaluation in my mind. There were a couple birthdays when I was completely out of pocket because of work and there was one birthday that came close to being a complete flop – when I made up a cross town scavenger hunt complete with outdoor visits to friends and family in 2020. Liam threw a tantrum when I tried to insist that he navigate with a map from AAA. I managed to bring myself back from the brink of total parent failure in a relatively short amount of time. There was also a bi-rite ice cream cake that I had to finish off because no one else in the household liked it enough for multiple helpings and it wasn’t a cake-sharing time generally. We couldn’t find a single picture, which tracks with what a difficult time we were having. I’m a lover of garlands but our decorating impulses dried up when things got tough over the past several years. Liam missed them and I felt a twinge of regret. It’s good to know that we can weather the rough spots because they are part of a full life. And in the case of garlands, even when I’d packed 75% of our belongings I still had a little something to work with for his 12th birthday.
This super long post was meant to catch up for all the missed posts over the past years and bring us up to present day. It’s been sweet for me to look back at my dear boy and remember all the ways that I love him. The constancies of Liam in his first 13 years – happy, determined, curious, social, full of ideas and initiative, up for adventure, and always appreciating coming home – plus making sure to include special people, moments, and values in our lives directed my selections in putting together this 13th birthday post. With any luck, I’ll post a wee bit more frequently in the years to come. If we can figure out the tech, we’ll have more pictures up in the gallery section of this site. But for now, this post is helping us all frame Liam’s coming of age with love and appreciation for who he is.
As I think about the teen years ahead, I hope that Liam comes into his own confidence with grace and dignity. So far he’s been able to retain his natural-born instincts of self assurance even as he also experiences anxiety. His capacity to honor himself has developed steadily in spite of living in a culture that demands conformity. I hope that will continue to be his experience. He is forgiving and willing to stay the course even when things get rough and those are good capacities to carry all the way into adulthood. He is able to summon his courage and gratefully accepts the help of his friends. Circumstance has given him challenges to work with, and the world offers many more. May the grit he’s formed serve him, and the wider world, well.
Happy birthday Liam, we love you to infinity and beyond.
