Since David proposed to me 10 months (to the day) ago I’ve been giving a lot of attention to our upcoming rite of passage.  Although I’d considered many aspects of marriage over the course of my life, actually beginning to plan my own initiated an investigation into what exactly it means to me at this particular point.   Additionally, how I’ve arrived at my current perspective seems to be an important topic for self reflection.  Of course, David’s perspectives enter into the equation and so as this process has unfolded and continues to do so, we talk about it.  While we may use different language to express our views, we have a very similar philosophy when it comes to our human experience both as individuals and as part of a community.  When we get in tangles over issues, we have thus far been able to arrive at a common ground that feels good to both of us.  That bodes well for the many challenges that await us.  We are also learning how to talk to each other and collaborating on the construction of our wedding celebration is a great way to work on that skill.

I started my investigations with a trip to the the library and the bookstore.  I read a wedding etiquette book from cover to cover and then I followed with a few general books on weddings.  I’m only now finishing my most recent read that our friends Shelley and Christian lent me which focuses on the Jewish tradition of marriage.  What I was looking for?  I’ve been slowly constructing a marriage ritual and celebration that feels authentic to David and I and allows us to honor the many people in our lives.  Being that we are not committed to any one religious or cultural tradition we have been free to explore how people across time and space get married and from the many traditions, we can craft our own.  This is a fairly standard practice amongst us humans, we are always borrowing from each other and the more that I read about traditional practices the more I see the common threads  between different cultures.  Since humans almost universally celebrate marriage as a wonderful event, it lends itself well to a multicultural approach.  It is a time that brings up good feelings and we all tend to be more willing to share when we’re feeling good.  Our choice for planning our marriage as we’ve done gives me a sense of connectedness not just to the people in our lives who will share this special time with us, but also to our broader global community.  This is what I mean by journeying to a timeless space:  a space where we are each stripped to our essential nature as citizens of humanity and where we share a common experience with our attention simultaneously on our connection to the heavens above our heads and the earth below our feet.

Following is a sampling of some of what we have planned and the links to other cultures / religions.

Our officiant is a chaplain named Carlyle Coash.  He is a practicing Buddhist but his work calls him to interact with keepers of different faiths and he seems content with that multiplicity.  He studied and maintains a close relationship with a teacher who I have admired for many years now:  Sobonfu Some  (http://www.sobonfu.com).  My t’ai chi teacher lent me a book by Ms. Some which I found to be quite enlightening.  I have come back to many of the ideas in her book over and over again as I consider other cultures and questions of the spiritual dimension of human life.  We had originally intended to use a Jewish Maggid as our officiant but on his recommendation we spoke with Carlyle and felt that his broader background with spiritual traditions around the world was more in keeping with our approach.  The Jewish wedding tradition has been the one that I’ve looked at most extensively.  It has been a real pleasure to read about the traditions that reach back into antiquity and to consider which of them resonate with us and how we can approach them from a secular perspective.  I’m looking forward to seeing how it turns out.  I figure that observing my experience and hearing from others about theirs will be the most informative in reflecting on how our wedding turned out.

I think that I already pointed out that the process of stitching circles on our wedding canopy (sitting one or two at a time with me while stitching) is quite similar to a Pakistani tradition.  At the wedding the bride will sit in a comfortable place and each woman (the men and the women are separate for the celebration) joins her for a little conversation.  While I realize that I won’t be able to enjoy some private time with each person sharing in our celebration, I have enjoyed the moments that I’ve had so far and am looking forward to many still to come.  I appreciate having one on one time with people since that is generally my approach to relationships.  It seems only fitting that I would have that be a part of our wedding experience.

Keeping our link to earth-based spiritual practices, which if your go back in time far enough, all our ancestors practiced, we will do most of our celebrating close to nature.  The circle will be ever present at our celebration and that too harkens back to ancient times when the circle was considered to be a symbol of perfection, completion, and safety.  Be on the lookout, you won’t be able to go too far at our wedding without seeing a circle or a tree.  Consider sharing your joy with nature by hugging a tree.  Yes I’m serious, no I have not gone off the deep end and become a new age hoorhu guru.

I guess that ultimately the symbolism behind our choices for our celebration are most important to David and I, but I do feel that the more each person understands the depths of what we are doing, the more potent the experience will be for everybody.  And I tend to like rich experiences and to share those with the people who are important to me.  Above all, there is one tradition that I feel very strongly about folding into ours and that is the important role that every guest has:  to bring themselves fully and honestly to the experience for everyone’s benefit.  One cue we’ll take from the Jewish tradition: The guests are obliged to dance, sing and offer up any expression of joy that suits them in this, their one and only task:  to thoroughly enjoy themselves and be sure that those around them are doing the same.

My original plan for the dress was a simple, vintage, below the knee dress made by my mom.  I looked at photos of dresses online to see what I liked and collected them on my computer.  Since I was headed back to Michigan for Alexa’s wedding, my mom and I planned to take some time to investigate and develop my ideas.

First, we headed to her favorite fabric store.  This proved fairly overwhelming since we didn’t find a single pattern of anything that I liked and there are just so many fabrics that I didn’t have the first idea of what to do with.  My mom was already expressing her doubts about making my dress.  I’d hatched a whole plan for a communal dressmaking project which I thought might help to ease the burden on her.  But I must admit that the trip to the fabric store was dulling my resolve.

She suggested that we at least visit a bridal salon so that I could try on dresses to get an idea of what was a good fit for me.  After some hemming and hawing on my part we ended up at a pretty fancy shop in Birmingham.  All the dresses that I tried on were around $4000 (yikes).  There was just one that seemed to really fit my figure.  We all agreed that was the style for me.  But to be honest, I didn’t really like any of the details and certainly not for $4000!  But at least I had my shape.  Not wanting to give anything away, I won’t go into anymore detail other than to say that the knee length idea pretty much died when we entered the bridal salon.  Fairy princess is more the concept that we’re going for now.  My mom and the saleslady had me convinced:  one day to be a princess, milk it for all it’s worth.  So here we go….

At this point I was still angling for us to make the dress, especially since the one I liked was sooo expensive.   My mom did manage to find what seems to be a pretty good pattern online.  We had the Buchanans over for dinner on our last evening in Michigan.  Thanks to Roger and Robbie’s obsession for cars there was a strong undertow for the boys to head to the garage.  The minute their feet hit the deck the conversation shifted to girl talk.  With her trusted expertise, Mary had already advised me that finding a local seamstress in the bay area would be doable.  I was sold.

A personal note on bridal salons in general:  they just don’t feel great to me.  The prices are so inflated and the whole operation feels impersonal.  That’s even with the saleslady who helped us being quite friendly and down to earth.  For something this significant and special, I just feel the need to have the dress made closer to home.  This is really the reason that I wanted my mom to make the dress.  But it is a big burden to put on the mother of the bride, and gowns are far beyond our skills.  So having us make my dress would have likely been disastrous.  At least we thought the whole project out and arrived at our choice having explored all the options.

Back in the bay, I stopped into Lacis (http://lacis.com/) to have a look at lace for my dress.  The gals in there are very helpful and sensible, which I like.  I did find a lace that seemed just perfect, but I hesitated to purchase it what with not knowing anything else yet.  I asked for the name of a dressmaker and was given Theresa LaQuey  (http://www.theresalaquey.com/).  I headed home, did some research online and was sold that Theresa was the gal for me.  I gave her a call and within a couple days had an appointment for a consultation.

Meeting Theresa was great.  She’s confident and clearly an expert.  She’s sensitive to price and seems to embrace sensibility when it comes to dressmaking.  She’s a dedicated lover of vintage which I can certainly appreciate given my own taste, but also my strong desire to have a wedding steeped in tradition and symbolism.  I like that the person making my dress has a sensibility rooted in days gone by.  Ironically, it gives me confidence that the dress will have a timeless quality, being that it’s made in a traditional way, with the benefits of modern advances when appropriate.  Having a pleasant sit down talk about my vision with someone who can whip up a lovely drawing of my dress while talking seems like the perfect way to have a dress made.  Again, one chance to be a princess, I’ll take it!  I had a few questions, about what was the best option, Theresa gave me good insights to help me arrive at a decision.  Now I have a drawing, and a contract to sign.  After that, the wheels are in motion and I’m looking forward to a fun and completely sane ride.

I started this entry back in June and now in 2 days time I get to pick up my gown.  It has been a fun experience and I’ve really enjoyed getting to create my ensemble with the help of trusted professionals.  My friend Ingrid (http://www.simplelegancebyingrid.com/) has helped along the way and I’ve really appreciated having another set of eyes to keep me on the right path with the project.  Now all Ingrid and I have to do is the veil.  I just got all the materials yesterday so I’m looking forward to getting to work on that little project as well.  It will be all the more special to don this ensemble being that it’s a true reflection of my original vision.

As for what to do with the dress after the wedding.  Theresa offered one of her many brilliant ideas:  why not have a yearly dinner party for brides?  A girls only, type of affair where we get to relive our magical moments in princess garb.  Being that Ingrid and I are both getting married this year, we thought that was a smashing idea.  But then I guess I’m getting ahead of myself a bit, first we’ve got to get married.  Onward!