Since David proposed to me 10 months (to the day) ago I’ve been giving a lot of attention to our upcoming rite of passage. Although I’d considered many aspects of marriage over the course of my life, actually beginning to plan my own initiated an investigation into what exactly it means to me at this particular point. Additionally, how I’ve arrived at my current perspective seems to be an important topic for self reflection. Of course, David’s perspectives enter into the equation and so as this process has unfolded and continues to do so, we talk about it. While we may use different language to express our views, we have a very similar philosophy when it comes to our human experience both as individuals and as part of a community. When we get in tangles over issues, we have thus far been able to arrive at a common ground that feels good to both of us. That bodes well for the many challenges that await us. We are also learning how to talk to each other and collaborating on the construction of our wedding celebration is a great way to work on that skill.
I started my investigations with a trip to the the library and the bookstore. I read a wedding etiquette book from cover to cover and then I followed with a few general books on weddings. I’m only now finishing my most recent read that our friends Shelley and Christian lent me which focuses on the Jewish tradition of marriage. What I was looking for? I’ve been slowly constructing a marriage ritual and celebration that feels authentic to David and I and allows us to honor the many people in our lives. Being that we are not committed to any one religious or cultural tradition we have been free to explore how people across time and space get married and from the many traditions, we can craft our own. This is a fairly standard practice amongst us humans, we are always borrowing from each other and the more that I read about traditional practices the more I see the common threads between different cultures. Since humans almost universally celebrate marriage as a wonderful event, it lends itself well to a multicultural approach. It is a time that brings up good feelings and we all tend to be more willing to share when we’re feeling good. Our choice for planning our marriage as we’ve done gives me a sense of connectedness not just to the people in our lives who will share this special time with us, but also to our broader global community. This is what I mean by journeying to a timeless space: a space where we are each stripped to our essential nature as citizens of humanity and where we share a common experience with our attention simultaneously on our connection to the heavens above our heads and the earth below our feet.
Following is a sampling of some of what we have planned and the links to other cultures / religions.
Our officiant is a chaplain named Carlyle Coash. He is a practicing Buddhist but his work calls him to interact with keepers of different faiths and he seems content with that multiplicity. He studied and maintains a close relationship with a teacher who I have admired for many years now: Sobonfu Some (http://www.sobonfu.com). My t’ai chi teacher lent me a book by Ms. Some which I found to be quite enlightening. I have come back to many of the ideas in her book over and over again as I consider other cultures and questions of the spiritual dimension of human life. We had originally intended to use a Jewish Maggid as our officiant but on his recommendation we spoke with Carlyle and felt that his broader background with spiritual traditions around the world was more in keeping with our approach. The Jewish wedding tradition has been the one that I’ve looked at most extensively. It has been a real pleasure to read about the traditions that reach back into antiquity and to consider which of them resonate with us and how we can approach them from a secular perspective. I’m looking forward to seeing how it turns out. I figure that observing my experience and hearing from others about theirs will be the most informative in reflecting on how our wedding turned out.
I think that I already pointed out that the process of stitching circles on our wedding canopy (sitting one or two at a time with me while stitching) is quite similar to a Pakistani tradition. At the wedding the bride will sit in a comfortable place and each woman (the men and the women are separate for the celebration) joins her for a little conversation. While I realize that I won’t be able to enjoy some private time with each person sharing in our celebration, I have enjoyed the moments that I’ve had so far and am looking forward to many still to come. I appreciate having one on one time with people since that is generally my approach to relationships. It seems only fitting that I would have that be a part of our wedding experience.
Keeping our link to earth-based spiritual practices, which if your go back in time far enough, all our ancestors practiced, we will do most of our celebrating close to nature. The circle will be ever present at our celebration and that too harkens back to ancient times when the circle was considered to be a symbol of perfection, completion, and safety. Be on the lookout, you won’t be able to go too far at our wedding without seeing a circle or a tree. Consider sharing your joy with nature by hugging a tree. Yes I’m serious, no I have not gone off the deep end and become a new age hoorhu guru.
I guess that ultimately the symbolism behind our choices for our celebration are most important to David and I, but I do feel that the more each person understands the depths of what we are doing, the more potent the experience will be for everybody. And I tend to like rich experiences and to share those with the people who are important to me. Above all, there is one tradition that I feel very strongly about folding into ours and that is the important role that every guest has: to bring themselves fully and honestly to the experience for everyone’s benefit. One cue we’ll take from the Jewish tradition: The guests are obliged to dance, sing and offer up any expression of joy that suits them in this, their one and only task: to thoroughly enjoy themselves and be sure that those around them are doing the same.
Leave a Reply